Friday, July 11, 2008

Birth Control and Things I've Learned: Part 1

Hey ladies. Since I am the first Girlcore whore to be having a baby I feel it is my duty to give you the cold hard facts about pregnancy and childbirth. It may make you think twice about how great it sounds to poke a hole in your mans condom so you can stay at home eating bon bons and watching Maury episodes about the baby mama who has DNA tested 8 men to find the daddy of her bastard child and STILL got it wrong!

I am just starting my 9th month of pregnancy so I know a little something about this....I wont bore you with the complaints about ALL DAY sickness that lasts for 4mos and feeling like you'd rather die than keep feeling this ill for another second. No, I'll tell you some real shit you probably have never heard.

Fact 1: Pee Pants
At about the 7th month you will start to notice your panties always have a wet spot. Not from being horny (though at about month 3 you do start to have the most sexual, dirty dreams you could ever imagine and you DO wake up with wet panties then). But no, this wet spot is happening because A) you keep peeing yourself and B) your uterus is starting to lube itself up for the baby to come out. Yeah, you seriously will start to spurt little pees throughout the day and from here on out you need to wear a panty liner. Apparently its because prego hormones cause some relaxation of your urinary tract making the tissue less toned. Plus you have a watermelon inside you just pressing down on your bladder 24/7 so any slight cough, sneeze, or laughter with give you a squirt. Oh yeah and pregnant pee smells really bad too.

Fact 2: Bleeding Butt

About 50% of women get hemorrhoids in the last trimester of their pregnancy. If you don't know what that is, it's a varicose vein that's in your butt. Apparently it looks like you ate a bunch of tiny grapes and they passed through you undigested. It hurts and bleeds. Mostly you get it because another great thing about pregnancy is that you get constipated. So when you spend hours trying to push out a poo, you accidentally push out a hemorrhoid. I haven't gotten one yet but I'm told if I don't have one now, I might have a nice surprise after my baby is born - a twin hemorrhoid! From all that pushing in childbirth you can easily get it then too. Grrreat. I wonder if I should buy it it's own onsie?

Fact 3: Hairy Mary
Most women start to get hair in not-so-sexy places all over their body. Some get a hairy back, some a hairy face, or if you are like me, you will get a hairy belly. It's not that bad actually, its thin hair and will go away after birth, but it's like my belly has a tea cozy on it. I guess I could have it a lot worse. You also get weird pigment changes. If you have freckles they will get darker. Your nipples and areola will get dark. And I had this weird phenomena of getting freckles and moles all up and down the left side of my body starting from the bottom of my belly and working its way up to my neck. Freaky. And apparently these will not go away after birth. Grrreat part 2.

I think I've scared you into birth control enough for today. I will continue this discussion every week or so as I discover more reasons to go lesbian.



Karley said...

Way to take the beauty out of childbirth Carmalita. OMG that was fucking gross.

Anonymous said...

Any idea who the father is yet?